If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
