you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
