I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
