My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
