I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
