Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
