did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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