I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
