i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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