I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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