tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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