I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
