I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
