Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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