i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
