xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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