i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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