wrigley field is MILF paradise
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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