There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
