Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
