Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
