well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
