mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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