My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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