blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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