i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
