I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
