my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
