you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Randomize
