Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
