Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
