She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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