12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
