I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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