So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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