i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
