i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
