i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
