i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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