Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
