I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
