Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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