Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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