Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
