you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
