saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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