Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My vagina just recognized that song.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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