im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
