I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
