he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
